Well hello there…

Long time no write… What a stressful semester this has turned out to be. I can’t wait to work again, this “not having money thing” doesn’t sit well with me. So what’s new??? Ummmm… Not much the same ol’crap as before. I picked up Ian for thanksgiving and he ended up with the flu most of the weekend. I doubt his father knows unless he happened to glance at my Facebook. He goes weeks without seeing Ian and days without talking to him while leaving a trail of broken promises. It’s always “different” this time, isn’t it jd? Oh well. I hope my son sees through his bullshit. Of course jd’s happiness is important to those around him, I wonder if any of his friends ever think to mention his son? Sometimes I wonder what do his friends think of him? Do they realize how much of deadbeat father he is? I doubt it, he probably just surrounds himself with like minded people. I really hate that man.
I try really hard to keep an objective stand point but it’s so goddamn hard. I guess it’s the mother in me. Life is so difficult already, why does his father have to make it more disappointing?

At least I have a good man in my life and my son’s. Someone who wants the responsibility of family. He really doesn’t have to be here but he chooses to be here. My life will never be easy. I can only hope that all my hard work culminates into something worthwhile.

Uh oh…

I have so much to do and not enough time get to everything. It is a lot, I’ve taken on another job,  direct wage, and became secretary of VOX. On top of my usual school load aka graduation, household duties, and work-study job. I do get tired but I haven’t decided what I want to give up. It’s between the club and the direct wage job… One is my passion and the other with experience closely related to my field. So where to take the axe??? I’ll probably struggle through this semester, not to my liking… I can do it all I just don’t want to half-ass my work.

 
Oh and did I mention! I’m getting married! That’s right on top of everything, a wedding to plan. I got the dress since it takes months to come in and not including alterations. The venue has been picked but no deposit has been made, I’m waiting my babe to see the place even though I know he’ll love it. I hate that expression “It’s the brides day,” I don’t think so! I’m not marrying myself! Therefore I should share the responsiblity. Besides, I’m not that selfish to want a whole superficial princess bride bullshit. I can’t stand those women.
Which reminds me… I got into a Facebook argument with my ever so wonderful sister-in-law… I hate that she started that crap on my goddamn Facebook page! I thought I had suffered enough with being humiliated on the goddamn internet… First my ex-husband and his online flirting and then the Willie episode. Needless to say, why do people need a fucking audience?!?! Is anything fucking personal anymore??? Why not fucking call me and say what the hell your problem is with me? Well the issue has been resolved, for now, because you never know with her and her assumptions. She has the tendency to believe that she is the target all the fucking time. Well to make a long story short if you really must know, she called me a hypocrite because a status of mine said, ” found the perfect hairstyle and dare I say a veil.” She made claims that I “downed” her wedding plans because of the big outlandish ceremony she wants by saying for her just to run off to the court-house to get married. Yes I did say that. It’s a running joke in my family because we’ve all done that in the past. Well she got offended by my tedious wornout joke I made almost a year ago and held that resentment til the moment I left my status. I stood my ground and told her that my choosing a gown and wearing veil doesn’t make me a hypocrite and that she should understand the word before using it. Well in came the drama. I stopped trying to defend myself because it felt pointless and well I don’t need an audience to prove my point. I went and talked to my brother and showed him what his beloved “wife” left in plain view for all my friends and family to see. He wasn’t happy. Then I waited for her to call after all why should I assume she has a problem, I don’t know what people are thinking and I don’t know how they feel. I’ll admit I threw in a few low punches and made her cry on purpose. I could have done more damage but I wanted her to know I wasn’t about to let her bring me down. I know how she fights and well it’s not pretty. 
Well I have to get to work and actually work… If I left something out… Oh well.. Call me

Here we go again…

I hate fall semesters… Everything is chaos, no parking, crowded hallways and lines for everything. I remember my first fall semester, right after my senior year of high school in 2002.  I was so anxious and not even nervous. I even remember freshman orientation, they split us up by majors, and once they had us all separated, the mentor told us to look around the room b/c half us were not going to graduate. Well who would have guessed I was part of the half that didn’t graduate. Damn, I’ve always been part of the unlucky half… Didn’t graduate college, divorced, and pregnant before the age of 20. Well this is my last fall semester… I’m finally going to graduate soon and who would have guessed with a six-year-old in tow and a divorce under my belt. I decided to put my graduation of for two months, so I will be walking in August instead of May. I need a job and I can’t keep my work-study position if I’m not enrolled in any classes. Let’s face it, the job market isn’t rushing to hire college grads. I also decided to postpone grad school. I’d like to offer my better half a chance to acquire some sort of degree before I continue to drain the small savings we have. I don’t feel like I owe him anything but he has helped me to where I am now. I can definitely use some time off from all this studying. I’m anxious to get back to work. Here’s hoping that my internships pay off and get me some job offers. If not then on to my plan B. It’s not a second choice but another opportunity to do something else I already want. I hope things work out. I’m getting older and I’d hate to miss opportunity b/c of my age, federal probation doesn’t hire past the age of 37, plus I’d like to have more kids and buy that convertible I’ve wanted since I was 19.

Well It’s not the convertible that I really want, It’s just that my car is being held together by black electrical tape and we’ve pretty out outgrown our small apartment and in order to afford a larger one and a new car, or fix the one I already have, I need to have a job but most importantly a career.

So Saturday…

I drove to Corpus Christi with my cousin, his wife, my brother and his “wife” to see my uncle.
I never really got the full story about him. He’s sick in the hospital and he doesn’t want to wake up. Well is he in a coma? Is it alcohol poisoning? Is the coma medically induced? It seemed like no one knew what was going or they rather not say.
My uncle that’s laying in the hospital has burned bridges across the family. He is who he is. I grew up with the guy, he is after all in his late 30′s. I remember how he tortured me as a child, popped my balloons, threaten to slit my kittens throat with his extremely long finger nail and when I was older, never letting me drive b/c women should not be allowed to use a vehicle. Sad to say, I never liked him as a person. So why would I drive 2 hours to visit the man? He’s dying. I know he’s dying. I can accept the fact that miracles do not exist. He has cirrhosis, hep C and a sever staph infection, that’s the least of his worries. So it’s liver and kidney failure and like the nurse said it’s only a matter of time before the other organs start to shut down. While everyone around me is “praying,” I’ve come to grips with mortality. People die. Everyone dies. My uncle is laying in a hospital bed with tubes coming out of him from everywhere. He’s jaundice, bloated and no chance for a transplant.
He’s married. Where’s his wife? Well she doesn’t love him. She had an ambulance ready last week to bring him all the way down to the valley b/c she didn’t want to “deal” with him. Their relationship has been that since they got married some years back. Every time they’d come for a visit, they’d get piss ass drunk and fight, not argue, but fight. He’d push her, she slap him and then he’d punch her. My aunt use to say the women can take a hit like a man! to make light the situation. She never left him. He never left her. And yes, domestic violence and alcoholism have run ramped in my family. It’s the norm around here.

Well that’s the man that’s laying in the bed.

I would have gone again on Sunday but I had other things to deal with at home.

Of course what did you expect?

I may say things that will hurt people’s feelings. It happens because no one is perfect. I’m not about to change how I feel because it hurts your feelings. I may not know what you’re thinking but I’m sure if you said what you were really thinking or what you’ve really done out loud, it could hurt mine too.  I rather know the truth. I rather know what you’re capable of hiding. But let’s face it, who is actually completely honest. I’m far from that. I’ve lied and several times through omission simply because I was afraid of how I would look. Fuck that, I’ve been done caring about how other’s see me. I am who I am

Moment of weakness…

Has passed… I know I can overcome this and hold my head up. I have a 6 year olds birthday party to plan and classes to study for. I can do this. I’ve been thru tough shit before and still made it. More than others can say, with less done. I use to envy those with ”good” lives. You know, the ones that had parents that cared about what happen to them, those that were wanted and taken care of. I’ve gotten this far with less. Most don’t know about the situation with my mother or my father. Maybe it’s about time I started to reveal a little more about the life I had. I didn’t realize how many know so little…

I’m hurt…

But from where???

No more special topics class…

Today will be my last day in my special topics course  I really enjoyed that class but most of all I enjoyed the people… I’ve become fond of Krystal. She’s a 20-year-old who’s graduating this month and already accepted into the administrative master’s program. We formed a psych study group between her, Brandon and I. I loved picking her brain! I’m going to miss her in the remaining of my psych classes. Well at least I still have 6ft 5 Brandon he’s fun. Too bad class wont have the same spin it once did. But hey, I wish her luck and success She’s a great person
I can’t believe the amazing people I’ve met this last year. I think I’ve made a few friends for life  Meeting new people has stretched my perceptions. I’ve never made friends in my classes before but now it’s become a habit. A good habit someone to share common interests with, someone who’s been where I am, someone to shine light on a new perspective. I’ve managed to keep in touch with people from my STC classes too. I love hearing about their stories of hardships and their stories of success since that time in Interpersonal communications or that one lab practical in A&P II. Along with the friends I’ve made, there have been the douche bags that ruin everything for the rest of us. Thank you Tom! For that offensive slide in our Powerpoint photo documentary for Dr.Resendiz. I’m glad I didn’t go down with that ship. I hate group projects even more b/c of him. Maybe he should fall of the face of the earth too

On another note, if anyone cares All is quiet on the JD front… He took a road trip up to Austin for the weekend and he actually called and checked to see how Ian was doing… Not sure if it’s a change or if it’s a temporary fix… I’ll enjoy this peace for as long as it lasts. That’s all I can do. I know my son is happy now that his daddy comes around when he says he will…

So I never mentioned…

What happened to that homeboy did I???
Are there some people you’d wish would just fall off the face of this earth??? Well he’s probably the only person I’d wish that would go away…Seriously… Why do we have to have mutal friends?!?! Ugh.. Asshole…

I really don’t think I’ve ever mentioned why I kicked that douche bag out of my life….Hmmm…
It didn’t make sense til one day I stayed after class and talked with Dr.Resendiz….
She mentioned how single mothers don’t have problems finding men who want to be with them but difficult to find someone worth sharing your life and your child’s… EXACTLY, I had plenty of takers after my divorce none worth my effort… there was Rollie, who bit my lip after dinner one night and there was sweetheart Cheo, whom I had no chemistry with and then there was Robert… I thought he’d be the one to understand me since he was at that same moment going thru what I was… Yeah, right… He pushed for a relationship..Ugh I hate when people tell me how to feel… He never ever got the point. I’m not one for long distance relationships especially with assholes that lie about their intentions. I needed a friend not a boyfriend. I was very upfront with him yet he seemed to have an agenda of his own. Oh well, if it’s one thing I’ve gotten good at it’s saying good bye… So he had to go. Buh-bye asshole…
So I liked what Resendiz had to say I know she hates Freud but what she said was right up the Freudian ladder, they target single mother because jerks like him are looking for mothers for themselves…

Such a lazy monday…

I could use some coffee… Even this late in the afternoon. I’ve been lost in books and notes and soon scantrons. I can’t wait for this semester to be over but only b/c I’m ready for something new I’m not as tired this time around. I guess I was overworked. Not so much now…